I’m so blessed. So very very blessed.
Today I met two people from the group ‘champagne boating on a beer budget’, a facebook group founded by the author of a book by the same name. It was amazing. I asked them if they’d like to go out on the boat and crew – “YEAH, SURE!” was the answer.
So – my first time as captain. No one else in charge. Two crewmen with me to help me dock and keep track of things, but me…only me…moving away from the dock, speaking into the VHF, in charge, responsible for all lives aboard, including my own.
And I did it.
I fucking did it with flying colors.
I love me some me!
Seriously though – what an amazing experience that was. At the helm 16′ above the salt-filled and boat-filled waters of the ICW, the Inter Coastal Waterway, the shipping channel that follows the fucking OCEAN. Responsible for a yacht that displaces 35,000 pounds, 17.5 TONS, and 42 feet of awesomeness. Holy shit batman that was amazing.
I realized a few days ago that the part of me that was uncomfortable with this whole thing was a part of me that never thought it could happen to me. For me, actually, for me.
That part of me was convinced I had responsibilities to the world. To society. I had to produce! It was irresponsible of me not to produce! I came from a working class, production-class family. Dad was a rancher and then an engineer for God’s sake!
Mom was an entrepreneur though. She told me I could be anything I wanted to be – even president – whatever I wanted to be in the world I had the talent and brains to get there.
Now – today – I’m a captain. Wow. I’m a captain. I have the hat – ’cause I earned it (well – almost – I’m sure I’ll have some weather, and people, and motors to deal with which will have me REALLY earning it someday).
Anyway – mom was right. I can be anything I want to be. The fear of failure that I feel is a lie. The inadequacy I feel is a lie. The fear of being rejected because I don’t know enough, haven’t experienced enough, or don’t have the money or resources enough is a lie.
I’ve got this.